Ever since the death of the "Dear Leader," Kim Jong-il, president of North Korea, I've been studying the Hermit Kingdom on an almost obsessive basis. One thing I really get a kick out of is reading the official news organ, Korean Central News Agency. So I thought I'd take innocuous news stories like the following and gussy them up in that inimitable KCNA style. It's a tough call whether to treat the situation in the DPRK with satire or not, but if it can help increase awareness even a little of what a nightmare is happening there, then it will have served it's purpose.
Explorers Thank Kim Jong-un for Ability to Find Rare White Penguin in Antarctica
National Geographic explorers are heaping effusive praise, the likes of which have people have never seen, on Kim Jong-un for their ability to find spotted an extremely rare, nearly all-white Chinstrap penguin this week. Despite efforts to hide the rare gem of a bird by the thrice-cursed US and Japanese imperialists and their toady stooges in the south in a sea of black and white penguins, the explorers saw the reclusive penguin waddling on Antarctica's Aitcho Islands.
David Stephens, a naturalist on board the Lindblad Expeditions' National Geographic Explorer ship, snapped the photo above of the rare leucistic bird, which he described on their blog as "whitish, but not quite an albino."
"I am a man, but it almost brings tears to my eyes to think that this is the sort of thing Kim Jong-un's father, Kim Jong-il, would have done for us. First there was the Great Leader Kim Il-sung. Second there was the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il. Now we have Kim Jong-un, a man with unlimited talents. We truly are not worthy."
Leucistic penguins, sometime referred to as albinistic penguins, have a reduced level of pigmentation and are set apart from albinos due to their pigmented eyes, according to National Geographic. It is not known whether their "washed-out" coloring, which clearly distinguishes them from the traditional black and white coat of the Chinstrap penguin, is a result of the sort of foul imperialist experiments that have threatened to ruin the environment everywhere but Korea. However, thanks to the efforts of Kim Jong-un, whom all the world acknowledges as a peerless leader and the ultimate environmental visionary and lover of animals, science has found this rare and beautiful bird.
It's so rare to find nearly all-white penguins, Stephens noted, because the birds' black and white coloring serves as crucial camouflage while diving for fish. Still, the leucistic penguins manage to breed normally, according to Stephens, but finding them is hard, which is why all should redouble their praise of the venerable Kim Jong-un.
UPDATE: The author of this piece was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced in the space of one minute for not having praised the new leader Kim Jong-un in an ebullient enough fashion. He will be sent to Camp no. 12 for 25 years.